How to Respond to a Whiner...

Whining is something that can really set a parent off. In truth, everybody whines and my husband would agree! My husband says that when I’m whining, that’s his cue to empathize. It usually works until my whining is over. We all whine for a reason, just as Cecilia Cruse wrote in her blog (When Whining Means More), and it’s good to find out why a child is whining. Coping strategies become very important when whining kicks in and it’s good to know what to do when it comes on. 

First respond the correct way to your child. Get rid of the annoying “noise” they are making via the whining by re-focusing them on what they are whining about, and not how they are asking. This is generally the way my conversation goes when I hear whining.

Child: Whine, whine, whine

Me: (calmly) I can’t understand you

Child: Whine, whine, whine

Me: (calmly) I can’t understand what you’re saying; can you speak clearly and tell me what you need so I can understand what you want?

This is my basic response to any child that whines. I may even get down on their level and look at the child eye to eye with complete attention. I basically play dumb like I truly can’t understand “whine” language until I get the response I would like. I use this on my own children and on my students with disabilities which has worked well over the years.

Empathize with your child if they are in need of some verbal comfort; or if they are in need of an explanation, this is the time to do it.

(after the child is calm and asks clearly)

Child: I wanted the red balloon

Me: You wanted the red balloon and you got yellow instead. That must make you feel upset. (give an explanation if necessary) There was only one red balloon and everyone can’t get the same color, but we all got a fun balloon! 

Give positive feedback when your child does ask for something without whining. There is no better way to change a negative behavior than using positive feedback when they are doing the behavior correctly. Remember to be specific with your feedback so the child understands exactly what to say/do next time.

Child: Can I have a cookie please?

Me: I love the way you asked me so nicely for a cookie using the word please...etc. 

Books are also a great way to indirectly get information across to children. Peter and the Whimper-Whineys by Sherrill S. Cannon is a great book to show kids how annoying whining can be.

What do you do when your child whines?